Gottman’s Couples Counseling

Gottman’s couples counseling is a form of therapy that was developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. This approach to couples counseling is based on extensive research and observation of thousands of couples over several decades. The approach is designed to help couples strengthen their relationships and navigate conflicts in healthy ways. In this blog post, we will explore the key principles of Gottman’s couples counseling and how they can be applied in real-life situations.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman has identified four behaviors that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they are so damaging to relationships. These behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character, rather than focusing on a specific behavior. 

Contempt involves insults, sarcasm, and other forms of disrespect. 

Defensiveness involves denying responsibility. 

Stonewalling involves withdrawing from the conversation and refusing to engage. 

These behaviors can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship and make it difficult to resolve conflicts.

According to Gottman, a healthy relationship has a “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions. The ratio is 5:1, which means that for every negative interaction, there should be five positive interactions. Positive interactions include compliments, expressions of appreciation, acts of kindness, and other forms of affection. Negative interactions include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. By increasing the number of positive interactions in a relationship, couples can strengthen their emotional connection and build a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

The Four Horsemen Antidotes

Gottman’s couples counseling offers antidotes to the four horsemen behaviors. 

For criticism, the antidote is to express your feelings using “I” statements and focusing on specific behaviors, rather than attacking your partner’s character. 

For contempt, the antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect, and to cultivate a sense of humor. 

For defensiveness, the antidote is to take responsibility for your part in the conflict and to acknowledge your partner’s perspective. 

For stonewalling, the antidote is to take a break from the conversation and to practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a key component of Gottman’s couples counseling. Emotional intelligence involves being able to recognize and manage your own emotions, as well as being able to empathize with your partner’s emotions. By developing emotional intelligence, couples can communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in healthy ways. Emotional intelligence involves being able to express your emotions in a constructive way, listening to your partner’s perspective, and working together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.

Gottman’s couples counseling offers a powerful approach to strengthening relationships and navigating conflicts in healthy ways. By identifying and addressing the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” cultivating positive interactions, and developing emotional intelligence, couples can build a foundation of trust and mutual respect that can last a lifetime. Whether you are struggling with communication issues, trust issues, or other relationship challenges, Gottman’s couples counseling can help you overcome these obstacles and build a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping)

EFT which is often referred to as tapping, is a holistic technique used to relax the body and promote healing around emotional or physical issues where you feel stuck.  EFT can be used when you are experiencing unpleasant thoughts, feelings or troubling memories. It weaves together several elements of awareness; the cognitive (thoughts/beliefs), the emotional (feelings), somatic (body location and sensations) and the energetic (meridians). We tap on pressure points while bringing these thoughts or emotions into consciousness. EFT helps you relieve stress and feel better in the moment. It creates calm, gain clarity of an experience, shifting limited thoughts and resolving past traumas. EFT is used for anxiety, depression, stress post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), fears and phobias, chronic pain management, weight loss and some other conditions.

Research shows that EFT tapping calms the amygdala in the brain, regulate our nervous system, and reduce stress and anxiety. When under high stress, our body shifts into the fight or flight response. Tapping helps to put our body back into the parasympathetic nervous system response which is responsible for relaxing our body. For information on research that supports EFT please visit this website

EFT Science and Research – EFT International

Although EFT is something you can learn to do on your own, there are benefits of working with an EFT practitioner.

An EFT Practitioner can:

• Provide a safe space – Often, it is difficult to access painful memories and traumas while alone. An EFT Practitioner can help you feel safe enough to explore parts of your past you may otherwise not easily access.
• Discover core issues of a specific challenge – Discover why a specific issue is holding you back.
• Assist you in identifying and clearing healing blocks – While it is common to have these blocks, they can keep you from overcoming your problem, no matter how much effort you out in.
• Formulate effective EFT Tapping statements – One of the biggest challenges for people while tapping, is knowing what words to use. An EFT Practitioner can help you create a statement that you resonate with. This is important in effectively clearing the issue.
• Keep you on track – It is easy to get off target.

If you would like to use EFT to work through painful emotions and physical symptoms, contact me today!

Anxiety triggers our fight, flight or freeze response. The automatic response affects our body, our thoughts, and behaviour. It shifts our focus to look for threats that could possible cause us harm. If we are experiencing continues anxiety in our body, we tend to focus on threats, not always noticing the positive things around us. It can have several physical effects on the body, including increased heart rate, muscle tension, sweating, and shortness of breath. It can also cause digestive problems, headaches, fatigue, and trouble sleeping. The release of stress hormones like cortisol can weaken the immune system, making it more susceptible to disease. Anxiety can also exacerbate pre-existing physical conditions, such as asthma or irritable bowel syndromes. Anxiety can have several psychological symptoms such as excessive worry, difficulty concentrating, poor memory, and feelings of irritability.

There are things that you can do that help reduce symptoms of anxiety.  Self -care is defines as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health”. This includes physical, mentally, and spiritually. There are many different types of self-care that can help reduce anxiety. Some examples include:

• Exercise: Regular physical activity can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and improve overall well-being.
• Relaxation techniques: Deep breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation can help calm the mind and reduce muscle tension.
• Good sleep hygiene: Establishing a regular sleep schedule and creating a relaxing bedtime routine can help improve sleep quality.
• Healthy eating: Eating a balanced diet and avoiding caffeine and alcohol can help reduce physical symptoms of anxiety.
• Social support: Talking to friends and family, joining a support group, or seeking professional counselling can provide emotional support.
• Time management: Prioritizing and managing time efficiently can help reduce stress and anxiety.
• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help focus on the present and reduce anxiety about the future.
• Engaging in hobbies and interests: Doing activities that bring joy and relaxation can be a great way to reduce stress and improve mental well-being.

It’s important to remember that what works for one person may not work for another. It may take some experimentation to find the best self-care methods for an individual.

The practice of Deep Breathing

1-Sit with back straight.

2-Inhale in through your nose to the count of four.

3-Pause for one count.

4-Exhale out through your mouth to the count of eight.

5-Repeat this cycle 3 more times.

Self-care plays an important role in managing anxiety. If you are experiencing a persistent feeling of anxiety or excessive worry over a prolonged period, professional help could be beneficial.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping)

EFT which is often referred to as tapping, is a holistic technique used to relax the body and promote healing around emotional or physical issues where you feel stuck.  EFT can be used when you are experiencing unpleasant thoughts, feelings or troubling memories. It weaves together several elements of awareness; the cognitive (thoughts/beliefs), the emotional (feelings), somatic (body location and sensations) and the energetic (meridians). We tap on pressure points while bringing these thoughts or emotions into consciousness. EFT helps you relieve stress and feel better in the moment. It creates calm, gain clarity of an experience, shifting limited thoughts and resolving past traumas. EFT is used for anxiety, depression, stress post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), fears and phobias, chronic pain management, weight loss and some other conditions.

Research shows that EFT tapping calms the amygdala in the brain, regulate our nervous system, and reduce stress and anxiety. When under high stress, our body shifts into the fight or flight response. Tapping helps to put our body back into the parasympathetic nervous system response which is responsible for relaxing our body. For information on research that supports EFT please visit this website

EFT Science and Research – EFT International

Although EFT is something you can learn to do on your own, there are benefits of working with an EFT practitioner.

An EFT Practitioner can:

• Provide a safe space – Often, it is difficult to access painful memories and traumas while alone. An EFT Practitioner can help you feel safe enough to explore parts of your past you may otherwise not easily access.
• Discover core issues of a specific challenge – Discover why a specific issue is holding you back.
• Assist you in identifying and clearing healing blocks – While it is common to have these blocks, they can keep you from overcoming your problem, no matter how much effort you out in.
• Formulate effective EFT Tapping statements – One of the biggest challenges for people while tapping, is knowing what words to use. An EFT Practitioner can help you create a statement that you resonate with. This is important in effectively clearing the issue.
• Keep you on track – It is easy to get off target.

If you would like to use EFT to work through painful emotions and physical symptoms, contact me today!